All The Single Ladies (Of Matt James’ Season Of 'The Bachelor')
A list of first impressions, no roses required.
(Photo Credit: ABC)
Matt James’ season of “The Bachelor” premieres this week. Here are our totally uninformed, lovingly snarky first impressions.
Abigail
E: I get real frontrunner vibes from Abigail. She loves her grandparents! She’s ready for the man of her dreams! (She’s also the first contestant with a hearing impairment to appear on the show.)
Alana
E: I always have a soft spot for Canadians, but Alana’s bio reads like every basic white girl who went on a Euro Trip and came back as a ~Changed Woman.~ What are all of these “different programs” she enrolled in? Does ABC realize that Europe is an entire continent? Is Alana angling to replace Lily Collins in “Emily In Paris” season 2? I have QUESTIONS.
Alicia
C: My childhood conception of the most desirable woman (fun ballerina who drinks hot chocolate), Alicia is “confident but not sappy,” which I do not consider to be traits that are typically paired anyway???
E: A freaking ballerina who LIVES IN NEW YORK. You know I stan.
Amber:
C: Amber has a 13-year-old, the most pillowy lips in the lineup, and a dream of taking care of beluga whales (perhaps at some sort of beluga whale retirement home).
E: A woman over the age of 29! By one year!
Anna:
C: Anna is an EXPERIENCE JUNKIE who is TERRIFIED of FISH but NOT of RISKING THE LIVES OF EVERYONE IN A PLANE SHE HAS “CONVINCED” THE PILOT TO LET HER FLY.
E: Anna is a “small town girl living the big city life.” Take this woman off of ABC and send her straight over to Hallmark’s holiday movie collection.
Bri:
C: Brunching is one of Bri’s favorite activities, so we can only assume she’s very eager for the Biden presidency to begin.
E: OK but like… which “high profile social media company” does she work for? Will she have to leave midway through the season to save her job, à la Ali Fedotowsky?
Carolyn:
C: Initially delighted to see that Carolyn is looking for “a bald man,” I was devastated to look closer and find that she actually wants “a bold man.” That’s Top 40 basic, Carolyn.
E: As a fellow journalist who is upset by injustice, I’m offended that a Bachelor casting invite never came my way. Rude.
Casandra:
C: Casandra is a social worker, like my wonderful mother-in-law; unlike my mother-in-law (I think), she is scared of the dark.
E: Women who stress how much they love not wearing makeup have clearly never experienced being average-looking. But I do share her love for s’mores.
Chelsea:
C: Chelsea quit a corporate job to become a runway model, an inspiring story for all of us who dream of being paid to be beautiful but are restrained by the golden handcuffs of traditional employment.
E: BROOKLYN’S IN THE HOUSE!
Corrinne:
E: Corrinne is 22, but she has the vibe of a 40-year-old suburban mom who all of the neighborhood teen boys have a crush on.
C: She has been to Disney World more times than she can count. At 22. That’s how you know it’s time to settle down.
Emani
C: If Emani could be anyone for one day, she’d be herself, which shows an commendable degree of self-love and misses the point of the prompt by about six miles.
E: Emani hates instability of any kind, so I’m sure she’ll feel right at home in the world of reality television, a notably stable environment.
Illeana
C: Anyone who is a “perfect mix of beauty and brains” is my natural enemy.
E: The most endearing thing about Ileana is that she has a tabby cat named Sir Theo who wears a bowtie. However, I need a *LOT* more on how this cat has been potty trained.
Jessenia
E: Jessenia “loves escape rooms.” I don’t know why, but that viscerally concerns me. It’s like saying you “love cruises.”
C: “Ha ha I love being trapped.”
Kaili
C: I’m sure it’s not Kaili’s fault that her bio is so boring it passed through my brain as instantaneously as water through a sieve.
E: Her quirk is that… she tripped once?
Katie
C: Katie is looking for a guy who won’t play video games all day and won’t kiss her when she doesn’t want to be kissed. She will allow him to laugh at her if he really wants. Katie, it’s 2021: dare to dream for more.
E: Claire, I’m mostly disturbed that the bio writers proceeded to ask, “Will Matt be able to live up to Katie’s standards?”
Khayla
C: Like Matt, Khayla loves health (care) and giving back. And has excellent bone structure.
Kimberly
E: Kimberly “wants to find a man whose enthusiasm for staying fit aligns with hers.” While I don’t relate to that particular passion, one thing we know about Matt -- and what we know is quite limited -- is that he has approximately 24 abs. So this could be an excellent match.
Kit
C: Kit hasn’t had a serious relationship since high school, which is probably because THAT WAS THREE YEARS AGO. Kit is 21, and her mom is Cynthia Rowley.
E: I repeat, her mother is Cynthia Rowley. (Also, hating men in flip flops is an extremely early 20-something dealbreaker.)
Kristin
E: All I need to know about Kristin is this tweet from comedian Sydney Battle:
C: I actually need to know a LOT more. About exactly how this went down.
Lauren
E: Lauren is a beautiful corporate lawyer who loves 2000s hip hop and Christmas. Lock her down, Matt.
Magi
E: OK, I know it’s early, but off bios alone, Magi might be my favorite. She’s 32. She runs a girl-focused non-profit. She loves Beyonce. She’s wearing a velvet bustier situation in her cast photo. She’s a model SLASH pharmacist. I love her. (She is also an Ethiopian immigrant who came to the U.S. via the lottery Diversity Visa Program. Fingers crossed that the show doesn’t totally bungle telling her story.)
C: Like any woman would be, I am indeed very inspired to know that you can be both a model and a pharmacist!
Mari
C: Mari loves that she can work remotely as a marketing director because she wants kids (??), showing that we really didn’t talk enough in 2020 about the toll taken by parenting while working from home.
Marylynn
C: Like many women this season, Marylynn is into the five foundational elements of successful relationships: stability, health and hygiene, Disneyland, nonprofits, and commitment.
MJ
C: Spicy margs, camping, being 23 -- MJ is a Tinder bio come to life. I’m willing to overlook that because she is a curly girl, and in my eyes, embracing your natural wave is indeed a personality. Cut my hair, MJ!
E: I also love spicy margs. Bachelorettes: They’re Just Like Us!
Pieper
C: Hard to believe, but we have yet another woman here who is more than just a pretty face, but also a brain and various personal traits!
E: According to her bio, Pieper has a “dynamite personality, a creative mind, a master's degree in marketing and a wonderful family who has supported all her endeavors.” Pieper, why in god’s name are you on this show. (I mean that as a compliment.)
Rachael
E: Rachael is at least the second contestant in Bachelor history whose notable favorite food is a charcuterie board. She and Hannah G. would have a grand ol’ time together.
C: Which side were you on in the great board-vs.-bowl serving-vessel wars of 2017-2021? (For me: bowls.)
Saneh
E: Upon reading that Saneh completed her first marathon at 16, I have decided that I need to exile myself and my fitness habits in shame.
C: People this energetic make me sleepy.
Sarah
E: After seeing the words “fairytale” and “Prince Charming,” I pretty much glazed over the rest of this bio.
Serena C.
E: After months of soul-searching in quarantine isolation, Serena has decided that her perfect partner is a man who… is exactly Matt James. V convenient, Serena.
C: Lotta 24-year-olds in this bunch who have “done the work” to “soul-search” and “figure out exactly what they’re looking for in a partner.” Way to self-actualize, kiddos.
Serena P.
E: Serena P.’s must-have in a relationship is a partner who shares all of his food with her. This is not a very COVID-safe demand, so I’m glad she’s dating in a quarantine bubble.
C: She’s never really taken the time to pursue true love, perhaps because she’s 22. This is, and I mean this with loving concern, a very young bunch.
Sydney
C: Opinionated and creeped out by amusement parks, Sydney is the most relatable contestant of the season for me.
Victoria
E: Her bio career is “Queen.” I think I’ve seen enough here.
C: “Early-season villain” is written all over this bio.
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